hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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