i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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