I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
