If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
