Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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