it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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