i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
