My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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