dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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