I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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