Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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