Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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