ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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