It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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