Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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