note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
