I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize