Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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