Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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