i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
