Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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