Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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