I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she pinky promised me she was 18
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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