Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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