The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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