Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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