I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
