Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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