i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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