Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
