Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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