meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
