I met the friendliest cop last night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
