if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
