a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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