Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
