I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize