if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize