you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
did i just pee glitter
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
