and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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