if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
