My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
