She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
