just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
