He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
