Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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