he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
