im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
