I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
