my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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