There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
