I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
