i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
