Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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