1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
