I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
