i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
