I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
