I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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